Another small note.....

Friday, August 31, 2012

Just another note- we still have no wireless set up at the new house, so I can only get here while I am at work. This should be remedied soon, I hope.

We have been "cleared", so to speak- anatomy scan of this new baby has shown that we have a perfectly formed tiny baby who, if everything goes well, will be coming home sometimes in mid-December.

We were also able to see that this new  baby is a girl!

Oh, how I wished to have an internet connection when I heard that news. Having no biological daughter besides Beatrix, this is bittersweet news. While I desperately longed for a girl, how I miss her even more now. I am almost afraid of this new baby- having had only boys as infants, this is a whole new world for me.

I assumed that once I confirmed that this baby was the girl I so desperately wanted that the grief would edge away slightly. I find that it has grown almost greater with this news. That while I am so utterly grateful for this baby, who we have already begun to call by name (Matilda Ruth) and imagine bringing home, and so utterly in love with the small nose I see in her profile ultrasounds, I missed much of this feeling with Bea, and so I miss her even more.

My 9 year old wants to know why we can't call this new baby Beatrix Elizabeth- he is named after his grandfather, after all. It is difficult to explain the concept of not replacing the baby we lost- when  I am carrying a female child and so grateful that she is a female, partly because of my lost opportunity,

I hope that this baby will never feel like she is a replacement, or a substitution for the baby who never came home. I hope that she knows that she is so well loved, even if there is grief in me now.

I prayed and prayed for a healthy female child, this time- and one with a kind and loving heart. I realized that while I could only depend on God for the healthy female part, it is up to me to nurture the kind and loving heart part.

I hope that I am up to the task.

Matilda Ruth

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