I am sorry

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I am sorry that I never finished my long list of lovely memories, banding together with all of the other baby loss moms out there.

My mother died, and I don't know what to do with all of this added grief.

I am at the end of this "rainbow" pregnancy, and can't afford the late nights that come along with the intense mourning- the late nights necessary to fall into a dreamless sleep. I am just too tired.

It was sudden, so unexpected, and now I am hanging between two generations of women- and the one before me is gone, and the one after me is missing pieces.

I am the oldest daughter and my mother will never hold either one of my daughters and something seems so terribly wrong about that.

I thought after losing my Beatrix that nothing could EVER touch me again- that I was immune.

Again I am set through with fits of crying that leave me spent, and I marvel that one person could hold so many tears. That one person could cry so endlessly. That one person could cry so much, every single day.

I had assumed that all of my sadness was used up.





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