I am sorryTuesday, November 13, 2012
I am sorry that I never finished my long list of lovely memories, banding together with all of the other baby loss moms out there.
My mother died, and I don't know what to do with all of this added grief.
I am at the end of this "rainbow" pregnancy, and can't afford the late nights that come along with the intense mourning- the late nights necessary to fall into a dreamless sleep. I am just too tired.
It was sudden, so unexpected, and now I am hanging between two generations of women- and the one before me is gone, and the one after me is missing pieces.
I am the oldest daughter and my mother will never hold either one of my daughters and something seems so terribly wrong about that.
I thought after losing my Beatrix that nothing could EVER touch me again- that I was immune.
Again I am set through with fits of crying that leave me spent, and I marvel that one person could hold so many tears. That one person could cry so endlessly. That one person could cry so much, every single day.
I had assumed that all of my sadness was used up.