I've been working on a project for the last few months that I am very excited about.
I have long wanted to do something in Beatrix's memory, but I come up short- I wanted something different. I wanted to fill a gap. I didn't want to overlap what others are already doing.
Our local hospital has memory boxes and the hospital where we delivered her now has a perinatal hospice program in full swing. There is a memorial garden, there is a shrine to the unborn, and there are group therapies for all types of loss- including the loss of a child when there was a poor prenatal diagnosis.
But I found a gap- a huge, super-important gap. And we have something spectacular planned!
We aren't quite ready to put things in motion; we haven't figured out some of the finer details, and we still have some exploratory work to do as far as costs and logistics. But it's all coming together and over the next few months I hope to be sharing our project!
I will begin writing again- not because I think that what I have to say is so important that the world can't do without it, but because in this community writing is the connection- it's where we share our babies, and the aftermath of their leaving the world- it's also where we can share what I have heard called "the after-after". And that after-after is a good place- it feels like stepping into sunshine and it makes doing a little good in her name a joyful thing. I want people to know that- that they'll get there.
It's been almost four years. While my grief stays with me like a second skin, my mourning is mostly finished. I can think of her without the "what ifs" crowding in.
Occasionally I can even have a day where I accept that this is my story, and that it is what it is- and that's ok.