She Brings Joy

Just another note- we still have no wireless set up at the new house, so I can only get here while I am at work. This should be remedied soon, I hope.

We have been "cleared", so to speak- anatomy scan of this new baby has shown that we have a perfectly formed tiny baby who, if everything goes well, will be coming home sometimes in mid-December.

We were also able to see that this new  baby is a girl!

Oh, how I wished to have an internet connection when I heard that news. Having no biological daughter besides Beatrix, this is bittersweet news. While I desperately longed for a girl, how I miss her even more now. I am almost afraid of this new baby- having had only boys as infants, this is a whole new world for me.

I assumed that once I confirmed that this baby was the girl I so desperately wanted that the grief would edge away slightly. I find that it has grown almost greater with this news. That while I am so utterly grateful for this baby, who we have already begun to call by name (Matilda Ruth) and imagine bringing home, and so utterly in love with the small nose I see in her profile ultrasounds, I missed much of this feeling with Bea, and so I miss her even more.

My 9 year old wants to know why we can't call this new baby Beatrix Elizabeth- he is named after his grandfather, after all. It is difficult to explain the concept of not replacing the baby we lost- when  I am carrying a female child and so grateful that she is a female, partly because of my lost opportunity,

I hope that this baby will never feel like she is a replacement, or a substitution for the baby who never came home. I hope that she knows that she is so well loved, even if there is grief in me now.

I prayed and prayed for a healthy female child, this time- and one with a kind and loving heart. I realized that while I could only depend on God for the healthy female part, it is up to me to nurture the kind and loving heart part.

I hope that I am up to the task.

I would like to write tonight, about my one of my living children. Sometimes I feel ungrateful- I have so many children, and I am still greedy for this one that is lost to me.

But that’s not for tonight.

Tonight is sorrowing children night. Tonight is the night where I show you something like this:



He carries this bear around everywhere, and becomes very upset if we sit on her, or if she ends up on the floor. Anything that has been done to his displeasure is met with chastisement and a quick tug to right the bear from whatever indecency she has been subjected to.

Her hat is the hat that went to the dress that Beatrix wore in the funeral home. It was too big for her, so we had to put a diferent one on her.

It seems benign. I don’t know if it is. I don’t care- there is no “healthy” way to mourn a tiny baby sister that you never got to know. As a child, there is no way to explain “not coming home.” He’s happy, and he loves his bear.

You may recognize this bear as a “Comfort Bear” from Sufficient Grace Ministries. This organization helps women who have chosen to carry to term a pregnancy in which a lethal birth defect has been found. The bears are for newly bereaved moms to hold onto when their arms ache for their babies.

I am not a very teddy-bear holding type of person. When the box arrived with the bear in it, I put it aside, in favor of the baby book that came along with it.

It sat for a few days on a chest at the end of my bed, still in the packing box it arrived in.

Then he claimed it as his own. He named the bear Beatrix. We call her Bea Bear.

At first, I admit, I was worried- I thought it was a bit abnormal. I thought that he was growing an unhealthy attachment to the bear, that it was “replacing” his baby sister. I changed my mind after we took her on vacation and almost lost her.





Now, she sits lazily around the house, taking up a regular corner of the sofa when she is not tucked safely into his sleeping arms. We give her a bath once a week so that she smells good. She is beginning to look a little grimy in spite of it.

But that’s ok.

I don’t mind Bea Bear hanging around. I thought it would hurt to hear him calling her name, and talking about her name, and using her name on some (stupid) bear. She wasn’t my baby. (I don't really think the bear is stupid- I was angry when I thought that. Really. I LOVE Bea Bear now.)

I tried, at the time, to dissuade him from calling her that. I picked other bear appropriate names.

Nope. All he wanted was for her to be his Bea Bear.

And I’m glad.

I’m glad that he when he was needing something to anchor him in his loss, he found something tangible to hold onto. I’m glad that he found a way to make his baby stay, that he found a way to make Bea a part of his every day existence.

Sometimes I envy the way he has just gotten on with things. His matter-of-fact faith that eventually, he will see her. I am jealous that hugging the comfort bear makes him feel a little whole.

My faith is so tiny right now- in comparison to his. I could get all philosophical, and try to talk about the mustard seed, or Jesus wanting us to let the children come to Him…..But I think I’ve done enough of that the last few days.

His sorrow has been so much smaller than I anticipated. He obviously doesn't understand the magnitude of what has happened, but I think it's also because he has some tangible piece of what he thinks is her, to hang onto.

I have come to realize lately, that this bear is his memory box.

I have my box, where I retreat when I am sad, pulling out her tiny clothes and smelling the hospital smell.

He carries his around, wearing his heart on his sleeve.