- Tuesday, October 14, 2014
- 2 Thank You For Visiting
My season would be from the late Fall into early Winter. From the moment of the first falling leaf I begin to walk back into that space where she is still being held so gently in my arms.
The last months of my pregnancy were so terrible. Not because we knew that she was going to die but because we received very little support. The fall was spent traveling to physician's offices, being poked and prodded in an attempt to find out what exactly was wrong.
My family also marks October as a time of loss in general- we don't do well when it comes to October. I lost two cousins on October 25th- 20+ years apart. Brothers- my aunt has been through this baby-loss horror twice, on the same day, decades apart. One baby lost to SIDS and one grown-but-not-grown man to an automobile accident.
My mother will also be gone for two years this October 18th. It seems that the world shouldn't be turning without her in it.
- Monday, October 13, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
I love music- there is always something playing in the background in my house. I can appreciate a large cross-section of music, but I lean towards either folk music (this comes from growing up with a mother who played classical guitar and who filled my first memories with The Mamas and the Papas, Pete Seger, etc.) or early 90's New Wave music.
In my initial bereavement three CD's were my 24/7 companions.
Dave Matthews Band- Big Whiskey and The GrooGrux King. This CD was the first released after the loss of the DMB's sax player. This measure of pain and remembering was meaningful in helping me to clarify my own thoughts. We used the song "Baby Blue" for Beatrix's memorial video, which is in the left side bar. When you listen to the lyrics it will become immediately apparent why.
Mumford and Sons- Sigh No More. Such a Struggle with God and faith is elucidated in this music. I could identify with some of the frustration about expectations, the anger, and also appreciated the conclusion- the clarification of the Promise.
There is much debate, online, over whether this is a religious album. I think debate is ridiculous- it paraphrases Revelations, the Psalms, directly references heaven and God- while it may not be a "Christian" album, it nevertheless speaks about the relationship between God and Man. I found a lot of comfort in this, and look forward to seeing my daughter with Grace in her heart and flowers in her hair, at the conclusion of this life.
I was given this CD- a friend didn't like it. I didn't think I would either. What a shock to find that it was one of the most meaningful in such an important period in my life. Because it is so obviously about loss, I tried to find information about it online- I was curious to see who he had lost. I found some information leading me to believe that this was based on loss as the result of infidelity. There are some beautiful songs here, and I am so grateful for the happy mistake that brought it my way- the crisp sound of it was a refreshing change from the murky emotions I was feeling.
In my initial bereavement three CD's were my 24/7 companions.
Dave Matthews Band- Big Whiskey and The GrooGrux King. This CD was the first released after the loss of the DMB's sax player. This measure of pain and remembering was meaningful in helping me to clarify my own thoughts. We used the song "Baby Blue" for Beatrix's memorial video, which is in the left side bar. When you listen to the lyrics it will become immediately apparent why.
There is much debate, online, over whether this is a religious album. I think debate is ridiculous- it paraphrases Revelations, the Psalms, directly references heaven and God- while it may not be a "Christian" album, it nevertheless speaks about the relationship between God and Man. I found a lot of comfort in this, and look forward to seeing my daughter with Grace in her heart and flowers in her hair, at the conclusion of this life.
- Sunday, October 12, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
So.
I have been writing this one since the first day of the photo challenge because when I saw it on the list I understood that it was so important that it would require more attention than the rest of the challenges.
I have to be clear- this is not directed towards anyone- it's solely for me.
A confession of my own convictions.
It's the type of subject that would be a normal post for me as I sort out my feelings about my loss and how it's affected my faith. It's actually something that has been floating around in my head for quite some time now, though slightly different in the specifics.
The definition of altar is as follows:
"an elevated place or structure, as a mound or platform, at which religious rites are performed or on which sacrifices are offered to gods, ancestors, etc."
This is my altar, and it's the only altar that I will ever worship before.
I think that sometimes in this baby loss netherworld- this place where mothers and fathers inhabit the world with one foot in heaven- I must be very cautious in my remembering.
My child is not a god.
And I do not think that she should be worshiped as such-
I am Christian, and I only worship one being.
And that's not my child.
This is the point where I must be clear, and I must separate myself from the mysticism that seems to run rampant throughout the baby loss "community"- and in saying that, I get that some people are are mystics. And I have to say again- this is directed inward, towards me- not them.
I think that it's a beautiful thing to have a special place in my home to keep my Beatrix's memory box, her sweet blankets and the mold of her foot. I see it as no different than the photos I have of my mother, and the quilt that my great-grandmother made.
But an altar?
An altar, by its purest and most correct definition is a place where sacrifices happen.
Where worship takes place.
I think that I must guard my heart, in this instance.
The tendency to fetishize my child is strong.
I would like nothing more than to believe that she speaks to me from beyond the grave, or that I can depend on her for some otherworldly guidance. But the truth is, she doesn't and I can't.
The truth is that she is in Paradise, and I am here, and that my soul longs for what she is already experiencing.
And that she has absolutely no longing for what I am experiencing.
It seems harsh on its face- a brutal statement for the tender heart- but it means so much more.
My daughter would not want me to have an altar dedicated to her- because she is where she is. She is already touching the hand of the Christ who was there at the beginning of the universe- and if she wants anything for me, it is that I join her there. That I don't let anything come between myself and the God who holds her so gently in the palm of His hand.
If she wants anything she wants me to remember with the understanding that she has already received her reward.
That even if my longing for the second chapter of my life to begin is, in part, because I miss her and I want to see her once again- that isn't the focus of my eternity.
This isn't something to think lightly about.
It's an opportunity to reexamine my own convictions and see where I can falter in my own thoughts and actions.
Many may see this as dogmatic, and as a judgement, but I'll be clear again- this is my confession.
My reaction.
The altar in my minds eye is an altar dedicated solely to the Savior who took my sins onto Himself and who redeemed me- and my child- ensuring that while we can not be here together, one day we will be.
- Saturday, October 11, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
In Memory~
This is my shadow box, with sweet Beatrix's tiny footprint.
We {and our friends/family} have done a number of things in her memory.
My husband and I began a support site for families facing the same diagnosis-
www.limbbodywallcomplex.net
But that will be my inspiration photo, so I'll save more for that later.
One of my close friends is currently training to run a half-marathon in My Bea's memory, for Saint Joesph's Children's Hospital.
Various family members have donated to a number of organizations in her name.
Our current memory project? We are in the process of writing a proposal to our church counsel, to ask that we be allowed to fund-raise for a new playground.
We would like to do this by her 5th birthday, which would be December 2015.
We also have begun planning a new aspect of support which is often overlooked, that we are so excited about- but that's a future goal.
Much of our charitable giving and activities revolve around our daughter- and all of those gifts, whether of time, talent, or money, are done in memory of our daughter.
This is my shadow box, with sweet Beatrix's tiny footprint.
We {and our friends/family} have done a number of things in her memory.
My husband and I began a support site for families facing the same diagnosis-
www.limbbodywallcomplex.net
But that will be my inspiration photo, so I'll save more for that later.
One of my close friends is currently training to run a half-marathon in My Bea's memory, for Saint Joesph's Children's Hospital.
Various family members have donated to a number of organizations in her name.
Our current memory project? We are in the process of writing a proposal to our church counsel, to ask that we be allowed to fund-raise for a new playground.
We would like to do this by her 5th birthday, which would be December 2015.
We also have begun planning a new aspect of support which is often overlooked, that we are so excited about- but that's a future goal.
Much of our charitable giving and activities revolve around our daughter- and all of those gifts, whether of time, talent, or money, are done in memory of our daughter.
- Friday, October 10, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Support.
Crutches are the first thing that came to mind when I read the word support. Thinking back to what held me up during my bereavement- which began before Beatrix was even born- I would have to say, yet again, my Bible. I know that most people will write about family members or friends,
and mine were {mostly} great.
But what held me up?
The promise that everything was part of the plan.
That my Bea was part of the creation story- that her very self was integral to the workings of the universe.
What supported me was the promise that while I was on my knees, it would all be for good.
- Thursday, October 09, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Resources-
During our pregnancy with Beatrix, we mainly utilized three resources available to women who we're suffering childloss, primarily carrying to term with a poor diagnosis.
Be Not Afraid, an organization which provides information and resources to families facing a difficult pregnancy diagnosis- lethal and non-lethal. We have contributed to their efforts by sharing Beatrix's story in hopes that we can encourage other moms facing a limb body wall complex diagnosis, to continue their pregnancies.
String of Pearls, which helps women facing difficult diagnosis- we were unable to reach them before we had her, but founder Laura Heune sent me the most beautiful bereavement box after Beatrix's birth. I am so grateful.
Sufficient Grace Ministries, which is a resource for families who have suffered losses of any type, although at the time of my pregnancy they focused mainly on carry to term. They have grown to be one of the largest of these types of organizations and have paired up with Stillbirthday to work as bereavement doulas for families suffering loss in their local areas.
This is our Comfort Bear, which we received from Sufficient Grace Ministries, shortly after we came home from the hospital. My sweet boy claimed her out of the box, and named her Bea Bear. In the beginning, hearing her name was so very painful. Now, I am so pleased that her name is commonplace in our home. She is a little beaten up, but to me- she is beautiful.
- Wednesday, October 08, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
My sacred place would have to be home. Inviolate, it houses everything that I love about this world, and keeps us all in each other's reach.
We feed our children here, and help them to grow into adulthood.
And I can appreciate that now, in a new way.
- Tuesday, October 07, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Books.
I am a book reader. Since receiving our diagnosis with Beatrix, I have accumulated quite a library of books associated with loss. The majority of them focus on carrying to term with a poor pregnancy diagnosis.
This is just one portion of my shelf:
I found much comfort also in the Bible- the ultimate source of respite in the time since I lost her. The promise made, that I will see her again- that she is a unique individual, that she is not just some amaphorous energy source that I can feel if I try hard enough- I value that knowledge above all else.
- Monday, October 06, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
I journal here- and I haven't been journaling often, lately. This project is my segue way back into writing. Not really photo challenge worthy, but it is what it is
- Sunday, October 05, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Today's challenge is "now".
This is me now. Mom with kid(s).
Older.
I'd like to think wiser, but probably not so much.
I have a difficult time being separated from my children. I need to be with them all of the time, in order to feel completely at peace.
I am leaner and meaner- I have a hard time letting things go, in situations where I think that someone is wrong. The line between my eyebrows is furrowed deep.
- Saturday, October 04, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
I'm a little behind the times with my challenges- M was ill, and I ended up using my late night "personal" time for sleeping.
My "before" photo is me during my last successful pregnancy, before losing my Bea.
This is me before:
Before I knew that women who did everything right could still have a baby with birth defects.
Before I knew that women in developed America had babies with birth defects.
Before I knew that birth defects didn't always mean a future of surgeries and hospital stays.
Before I knew that you don't have to be a drug addict or an alcoholic to have a baby with birth defects.
Before I knew that there was such an horrific thing as perinatal hospice.
Before I knew that one in four pregnancies will end in loss.
Before I knew that sometimes euthanasia can be practiced passively.
Before I knew that sometimes parents leave the hospital with empty arms.
Before I knew how to retain a calm exterior when I am quaking inside.
Before I knew that the people most interested in your sad stories are usually the ones who you should stay away from.
Before I lost my very, very best friend (32 years, down the drain).
Before I had ever seen a person die.
Before I understood genetics and the probabilities involved in having good genes, and the miraculous thing that is life- so much could go wrong. Each one if us is a miracle.
Before I was who I am now.
- Friday, October 03, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Day 2- Heart
Today's subject is heart. As in- who do you carry in your heart?
My Beatrix is tucked deep within mine. Hidden away inside of the aches and fissures caused by her exit.
This is my photo:
Very simple, and because I do not letter or draw well a very poor showing- except for what it is.
These hearts were all the rage when I was in 6th grade, or so. We girls would turn out dozens of them a week.
We all had our perfect heart stencils. Some of them would be fat, flat hearts. Some tall and thin- but they were all perfect for the girl who was using them.
We would carefully cut out our hearts, and then color the edges with a variety of bright colors. Pressing hard and making certain that the crayon on the edge was thick.
Then we would very carefully set our heart on the surface where we wanted our creation to end up- at the bottom of a love note, on a folder, or on an art project. Holding the heart firmly we would use a pencil eraser to smear the colored wax into the surface of our choosing. Careful not to move the heart, so that the outline was clean and straight.
If done correctly we ended up with this- a heart with a many-colored aura. We thought that this was the height of beauty.
Even while I was doing this, my eleven year old son watched over my shoulder, exclaiming- "that's so cool!!" It must be the age.
When I first read the subject for today this was my immediate thought. I wanted only the most beautiful for my sweet Beatrix. And this was the best that I could offer- it was something that I would have shared with her when she had the coordination to utilize this technique herself.
Sometimes we get caught up thinking of all of the big things that we miss- the wedding, grandchildren, school- but it's the little things that kill. The everyday items, like crayon hearts, that make the loss so much more profound- because it's the mundane that makes up the larger part of our lives.
The subject was inspired by the E.E.Cummings poem, "I Carry Your Heart."
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
- Thursday, October 02, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Two years ago I attempted to finish the entire Capture Your Grief photo challenge for pregnancy and infant loss month. My mom passed away and I was unable to finish- my grief was too deep to contemplate finding a way to help walk through it.
So, this year we attempt to do it again.
I am a day late posting, but here is my day one, "Sunrise":
Because I work nights, I am unable to get up early enough to catch a sunrise- we also live in the middle of the woods and can not really see the sunrise (or sunset). By the time it is visible to us it has already reached full light- the tops of the trees illuminated. No matter how many times that I have attempted to catch a sunrise here, I have no success.
This is my post for Sunrise- my subsequent baby- sunrise after a very dark night. She is radiant. Her light creeps into every corner and knocks out all of the shadows.
I will also be posting my photos on Instagram, @shebringsjoy.
So, this year we attempt to do it again.
I am a day late posting, but here is my day one, "Sunrise":
Because I work nights, I am unable to get up early enough to catch a sunrise- we also live in the middle of the woods and can not really see the sunrise (or sunset). By the time it is visible to us it has already reached full light- the tops of the trees illuminated. No matter how many times that I have attempted to catch a sunrise here, I have no success.
This is my post for Sunrise- my subsequent baby- sunrise after a very dark night. She is radiant. Her light creeps into every corner and knocks out all of the shadows.
I will also be posting my photos on Instagram, @shebringsjoy.
- Thursday, October 02, 2014
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
