- Saturday, June 27, 2015
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
Each week brings all types of new experiences, and new thoughts on this baby loss journey. Whether you are at the beginning of your bereavement or a seasoned veteran your view on life "today" has been permanently changed, and is so valuable.
For those of us further along, a fresh view helps to remind us of how much we've grown and how much our grief has shaped who we are today.
For those of us whose wounds are still fresh, it helps to know that someone has survived this. It helps to see that you can get through. It helps when you grow to understand that your feelings are natural.
This weeks prompt is:
Where I am today
Where are you today, in terms of grief? Where are you in terms of disillusionment, strength, abandonment, acceptance, rebellion, or any number of other life-descriptions which fit into this world of loss?
We all take different routes on this path, and what works for some may not work for others -- but sharing the stories of our personal experiences can help guide someone else in their struggle.
I hope to learn a lot about your path, and I hope you can learn from mine.
As always:
Four rules:
For those of us further along, a fresh view helps to remind us of how much we've grown and how much our grief has shaped who we are today.
For those of us whose wounds are still fresh, it helps to know that someone has survived this. It helps to see that you can get through. It helps when you grow to understand that your feelings are natural.
This weeks prompt is:
Where I am today
Where are you today, in terms of grief? Where are you in terms of disillusionment, strength, abandonment, acceptance, rebellion, or any number of other life-descriptions which fit into this world of loss?
We all take different routes on this path, and what works for some may not work for others -- but sharing the stories of our personal experiences can help guide someone else in their struggle.
I hope to learn a lot about your path, and I hope you can learn from mine.
As always:
Four rules:
1)
This is a child-loss hop. You must be a bereaved/healing parent to
participate. This includes children lost from conception forward- early
term miscarriage, teenagers, adults. If you have lost a child, you can
link up.
2) This is a carry to term blog. I would prefer no posts promoting termination of pregnancy after a poor pregnancy diagnosis.
3) Please link back to this post, somewhere in your own. That way other moms can find it, and participate or read stories which may speak to their experience.
4) Please leave a comment on as many other entries as possible. Every mom needs support.
4) Please leave a comment on as many other entries as possible. Every mom needs support.
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- Thursday, June 11, 2015
- 1 Thank You For Visiting
It has been four years, five
months, three weeks, and six days since I touched my daughter.
That's what the tiny Lillypie ticker at the bottom of my page says.
So, where am I today?
I am o.k. I go days without crying. I go days without dwelling on losing her. I can sleep. What ifs are generally a thing of the past. I don't replay the moments of her life in my mind.
I am o.k. Average. There's more to me than being a woman who lost a baby.
Am I the same as I was before
this happened?
In many ways, yes. Trauma is supposed to bring out bravery and a new lease on life, but loss did not make me a hero. For a while it made me very bitter. I thought I was supposed to be doing something with my time, something monumental. Everyone else had these great ideas. Started up charitable organizations. They seemed to be doing amazing things in their baby's memories, and here I was just trying to make sure that my kids had clean clothes on every day.
I still have all of the same bad habits, and there are times when I don't embrace every second.
Has anything changed?
Yes. I think twice before I turn away from my children. I understand what it means to spend a last minute with someone. I hate to say it, but I'm more fearful. I worry about my family more.
But -- counteracting that fear
is a faith which is growing in leaps and bounds. I find myself yielding to
grace in a less complicated way. It has taken me a while to get here; four
years, five months, three weeks, and six days to be exact. I am less angry with
God. More accepting of His will. I am more accepting He knows my entire
story, even the difficult parts, and it's part of a plan.
Where am I today? I suppose that I'm where I should be. Less grief stricken. Less edgy. Less raw.
This year would have been the year she began kindergarten, and as long as I don't think too pointedly on that, then I think I'll be just fine.
That's what the tiny Lillypie ticker at the bottom of my page says.
So, where am I today?
I am o.k. I go days without crying. I go days without dwelling on losing her. I can sleep. What ifs are generally a thing of the past. I don't replay the moments of her life in my mind.
I am o.k. Average. There's more to me than being a woman who lost a baby.
In many ways, yes. Trauma is supposed to bring out bravery and a new lease on life, but loss did not make me a hero. For a while it made me very bitter. I thought I was supposed to be doing something with my time, something monumental. Everyone else had these great ideas. Started up charitable organizations. They seemed to be doing amazing things in their baby's memories, and here I was just trying to make sure that my kids had clean clothes on every day.
I still have all of the same bad habits, and there are times when I don't embrace every second.
Has anything changed?
Yes. I think twice before I turn away from my children. I understand what it means to spend a last minute with someone. I hate to say it, but I'm more fearful. I worry about my family more.
Where am I today? I suppose that I'm where I should be. Less grief stricken. Less edgy. Less raw.
This year would have been the year she began kindergarten, and as long as I don't think too pointedly on that, then I think I'll be just fine.
- Tuesday, June 09, 2015
- 0 Thank You For Visiting
This post is for a writing
challenge on the phrase "If only." Every Tuesday there's a new
challenge. You can join HERE.
If Only
If only it was easier for people to choose joy.
We often gravitate towards the people and mindsets which cause us the most misery. We stay pining after the past which left us unfulfilled and hurting.
If only we could be more intentional in our choices and choose joy.
What would a day look like, if we made this choice?
I have spent the last few days intentionally speaking love. Every time I felt frustrated or overwhelmed, I chose to respond to that frustration in love. Love is the root of joy.
By midday of the first day, there was already a marked difference in the mood of our home. We were calm, relaxed.
We were smiling.
I endeavored to make the choice about my actions as well as my words. When my husband called and asked for my help with a work situation, I took the time to listen to his ideas. As soon as we finished our conversation I organized the information he needed to implement his idea, instead of letting it fall to the wayside for "later".
I made sure that I held my toddler when she asked to be held. Instead of complaining to my tween son about the clothes he had left all over the floor -- I put them in the hamper myself.
It was just a few days, but it made clear how easy it could be to choose joy.
If only I had understood the connection between choosing joy and speaking in love before- living intentionally seems so difficult, when you read what people have to say about it.
I found that keeping myself accountable for what I discharged into the universe made the environment in my household much more peaceful. I have grown to habitually look back instead of forward, and choosing love for those few days allowed me to look both backward and forward. I was able to see a different way of being- and what I saw was beautiful.
If only it was so easy to explain to people that if they practiced peace through speaking in love, then joy would not necessarily be a choice -- it would become an environment.
I plan on continuing this experiment.
Each day marked down on the calendar will be one more day where my children and my husband, and all of the other people who I come into contact with, will be invited to inhabit a space which exudes joy.
If Only
If only it was easier for people to choose joy.
We often gravitate towards the people and mindsets which cause us the most misery. We stay pining after the past which left us unfulfilled and hurting.
If only we could be more intentional in our choices and choose joy.
What would a day look like, if we made this choice?
I have spent the last few days intentionally speaking love. Every time I felt frustrated or overwhelmed, I chose to respond to that frustration in love. Love is the root of joy.
By midday of the first day, there was already a marked difference in the mood of our home. We were calm, relaxed.
We were smiling.
I endeavored to make the choice about my actions as well as my words. When my husband called and asked for my help with a work situation, I took the time to listen to his ideas. As soon as we finished our conversation I organized the information he needed to implement his idea, instead of letting it fall to the wayside for "later".
I made sure that I held my toddler when she asked to be held. Instead of complaining to my tween son about the clothes he had left all over the floor -- I put them in the hamper myself.
It was just a few days, but it made clear how easy it could be to choose joy.
If only I had understood the connection between choosing joy and speaking in love before- living intentionally seems so difficult, when you read what people have to say about it.
I found that keeping myself accountable for what I discharged into the universe made the environment in my household much more peaceful. I have grown to habitually look back instead of forward, and choosing love for those few days allowed me to look both backward and forward. I was able to see a different way of being- and what I saw was beautiful.
If only it was so easy to explain to people that if they practiced peace through speaking in love, then joy would not necessarily be a choice -- it would become an environment.
I plan on continuing this experiment.
Each day marked down on the calendar will be one more day where my children and my husband, and all of the other people who I come into contact with, will be invited to inhabit a space which exudes joy.
- Monday, June 08, 2015
- 4 Thank You For Visiting
