For today's post, Intention is the concept. I chose this:
Almost two years after losing my sweet Beatrix, my mother died. For a long time I struggled with being a bridge between these two lost girls -- because like my Bea, my mother was most definitively a lost girl.
I struggled with all of the things I wanted to tell my mother, and with the things I would never learn from her. I struggled with the thought that my own daughter, born two months after my mother died, would never know her grandmother.
This thought process led me to this little notebook. In my mother's death I found it necessary to accept the fact that someday I would die. And my daughter may find herself wanting my thoughts like I wanted my mother's.
Over the past two years I have written little entries about life lessons which I believe are important. Thoughts about being a woman in a society which teaches you that the female body is broken. Thoughts about loving others too much and yourself, not enough. Thoughts about retaining faith in a cynical world.
I've even written about what happens when a baby dies, although I hope that she'll never need to read those pages.
My intention is to be a good parent while I'm here, and to leave a bit of myself here for my daughter should I go too quickly to share all of these things with her.
My loss amplified the fragility of my own life, and the fragility of the bonds that bind me to those I love.
I intend to leave them with enough of me that they won't ever doubt my love for them after I'm gone. For my daughter, my surviving daughter, this means leaving her with this messy notebook full of meandering thoughts and concepts which may be old-fashioned by the time she reads them..... But unlike my own mothers thoughts, they will be open to her in their inconsistency and their ardor for her.
My intention is that my daughter always know she is loved, even after my life here has ended.
- Friday, October 02, 2015
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