Rambling, sleep deprived post

Friday, March 15, 2013

So, here's the thing.....

The joy can be overwhelming, but the grief is still crushing.

At times.

This is going to be a little rambling, because I am trying to fit a lot into a little space of time.

About Rainbow babies:

Obviously, one baby could never replace another- but.... my mind is more restful. I don't have that inner shudder, when I see a sweet girl in front of me. That shudder that says, "I will never experience that." I can look at babies and not feel the weight of loss deep on me. Maybe one day, I will be able to hold someone else's without feeling that wrenching sadness.

This new Matilda girl is not anything like her sister. It's funny, how well aware I am of that- even though I only held my Beatrix for two short hours, here on earth. This younger girl is quiet and sweet. She is the most docile baby I have ever had the experience of caring for. She smiles and babbles and is a joy for everyone who looks at her.

This Matilda is a balm for my heart. I was so frightened of the circumstances of her birth- that I would feel less for her, somehow, because she wasn't what I "really" wanted. I wanted my Bea.... honestly.

Rainbow babies have such a weight about them- so heavy with expectations. And anyone who says differently is being foolish I think.

This girl, though. This girl is much more than a Rainbow baby. I am utterly smitten.

With her.

I do have a lot more to share, but that will have to wait for another time. Little people need love right now, and I have it to give- in abundance.

I am so grateful for my life.

Even the hard parts.

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