Friday, April 25, 2014

I haven't been writing regularly here for a while. When I do write it's in fits and starts- and mostly when I have been frustrated at some aspect of normal life that intrudes on my abnormal, inner life. I feel a need to unload some emotional baggage and here is where I come to let go.

When I'm happy- I don't write... I take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.

I have grasped the concept that writing here is a continuos ebb and flow. That I will always be writing about grief and anger (which is a large part of my personal grief- I lost so many people in the three years since Beatrix's death- and I am angry.) But- this isn't all of it. And I think that floundering was a part of the joy trying to push through the negative feelings. And sometimes, you have to choose joy even when it's not the most comfortable suit. 

That being said- I am not setting up any plans here, but I have begun to work out some ideas that will bring honor to my sweet Beatrix's memory- I already know what I would like to do for both her fourth and fifth birthdays. I'm really excited, because after she died, I had goals which included using her name to bring joy to others. I haven't fulfilled any of those goals.

I hope that, becaus I am not setting a bar for myself, I can work around some unrealistic expectations. 

I will say that a little change is going to come in the form of the "after-after" of the grieving process. Because I'm there- I've gone through the after-loss. And now it's the after-after stage. I want to keep writing, because it's cathartic, and because so many people stop when the initial grief begins to fade. I want to keep going- and I'm so happy to be actually planning a course that will focus more on the Joy that she brought.

Because I don't want to set a bar, I can't promise that I won't ever write about the dark stuff, or the angry stuff- but I will try to make more of an effort to write about the happy stuff. I want to share our journey- and the happy parts of it, whether that's through continuing to write here or sharing images of that happiness manifest in our everyday lives.

I will be sharing a bit more about our rainbow baby- because it is true, they do help to heal broken hearts. Another thing- not writing about my feelings in parenting her was a big mistake. I know now, looking back, that how I parented her- how I made it through the worrisome parts of post-loss parenting- was important. It's part of the journey that I undertook when I said "yes" to carrying Beatrix. I just want to put that out there- that there will be a little more sharing of new life- because new life is part of my post loss existence. 

This is our reality now:

And it's such a beautiful reality. I can't hold it under the sadness any longer. 

One last note:

Thank you, if you have read my tiny thoughts about my tiny daughter. I don't think that you can know how much it means to me to see that little viewing box at the right side of my entries, filled up with far away places. Each time that changes, it means that someone new has heard about my Beatrix. That somewhere out there, today- she has been on someone's mind. She is always, and always will be, on my mind. Every second of every day, I remember her. Again, thank you for remembering her with me.

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