I Often Wonder

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

This post is for a writing challenge on the phrase "I Often Wonder". Every Tuesday there's a new challenge. You can join HERE. 

 This particular post is not baby-loss or grief related....I didn't want to walk down the path of "I often wonder..." in relation to that journey. We all know where wondering leads (self-doubt, recriminations, and for some, questions about whether a subsequent child would be here.)

This is just a normal, everyday life post. 

I often wonder if others view me as harshly as I view myself. I wonder if all of the things which I say to myself are the things people say about me when I am not present. 

I am never enough, for myself.

I recall feeling much more confident as a younger woman. Over the years many different situations have shaken my confidence, and I find myself doubting the choices I make. I worry too much about how my choices are going to affect those around me, and when I make choices I become defensive when speaking with others about them -- I do not do well with even the most constructive criticism. I have a difficult time focusing on my obligations, but I don't want others to help me fulfill those obligations. Help implies inadequacy. I am unwilling to admit inadequacy, whether it involves criticism of accepting help from others. Inadequacy confirms my negative inner dialogue. In addition, I don't want others to witness my failures. If I do everything alone then when I do fail, it's my own secret.

I often wonder if the best part of me is so broken that it can not be repaired. I wonder if life has dealt one too many blows, and the result of these blows is a type of willful ignorance. I simply cannot be aware any longer. I am happiest floating along from one moment to the next. No past, no future. Just now.

I often wonder what my life would have been, had I lived more intentionally. If I had grasped every moment as it came- not clinging onto it as if it were a life jacket, but grabbing onto it like it was something beautiful and worth holding onto. What would my life be like if I made the monumental decision to live more intentionally now?

I often wonder if this is the way to get back to that confident place. I wonder about the work involved in bringing myself to that reality. Am I capable of becoming a person who I have seemingly abandoned? What would happen if I let it all go? If I grasp the freedom which comes with loosening my hold on a particularly negative form of self-control. 

I often wonder what my life would be like if I rid myself of self-doubt and a self-deprecating inner dialogue. 

Maybe, just for today, I will stop wondering and intentionally work through every moment. Every single second of this day will be about quieting that wonder, and opening an avenue for an inner-dialogue which promotes peace...if I take each day as a gift -- as a joy -- then maybe I can recapture some of that security and confidence which I once had.

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