She Brings Joy

Quick and easy (and a few hours late), this blog is my only "memorial" to Beatrix. We have many places throughout our home where she is present- but this is my memory place.

After writing that sentence, I looked up the definition of memorial, and saw this:

from Late Latin,  "memoriāle"- a reminder, neuter of "memoriālis" belonging to remembrance.

While I need no reminder of my sweet Bea- I like the sound of the next part of the definition.

"Belonging to Remembrance".

Day 4. My Most Treasured Item.

This was difficult to choose- obviously, anything connected to Beatrix is my favorite item. And morbidly, I have to say that her ashes would be what I would run back into a burning house for. But I can't share a photo of them. That is for me alone.

I would have to say second only to them are these:

                                                                     tiny foot


                                                                    tiny hands


The foot is in a shadow box. Occasionally, I pull the glass off, and touch her tiny toes.  I kept the mould that my husband used to make this- because her foot touched it. Sometimes I touch the interior of that too, because I like to know that I am touching something that she touched.

I love her tiny feet and tiny hands.

I am a day late, but have decided to join Carly Marie's "Capture Your Grief" initiative. Since I am on the cusp of days 2 & 3, I am posting them both in one post.

For my day 2 photo (before loss), I have chosen this one:



This was a beautiful October day. We were at the pumpkin patch, on a hayride. My then 8 year old son took this photo.

I was two months away from delivering Beatrix, and I still niavely believed that she would be the exception to the rule.

That untainted smile that you see- that is hope. And innocence.

I didn't believe that anything like a dead baby could happen to someone like me.  Who truly believes something like that? I look at the flesh that my husband and I both have- those round faces with their healthy glows.

I am wearing the same necklace that I wear now- except before there was an Ichthys on it. Now there is a small silver disc with her name and birth date on it. I am using the same clothing in this pregnancy- it was more difficult to put these clothes on than it was to pull Beatrix's clothes out of the boxes. The last time I wore them she was Alive. The last time I looked like this, she was Alive.


For day 3 (after loss), I am choosing this photo:



The most terrible part of this is that my then 8 year old also took this photo. This was almost four months after she was born. I was shocked when I saw this- during this "photo shoot", we were having a fun time- cuddling in my older daughter's bed and taking photos of one another. This was not after a crying jag, or during a particularly bad part of the day. I was horrified that this had become me- and that he saw nothing unusual about it.

I am not glowing any longer, and my cheeks are not so fleshy. I only started wearing my glasses a few months before she was born- before that it was contacts. But I have worn my glasses ever since. They make it easier to hide, I think.

I realize now, that even during those moments that I think I am doing o.k. I still wear her loss on my face like a mask. There is such a difference between these two people.


If you don't know about this project, you can find it here:

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html