She Brings Joy

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Two weeks ago, Time magazine featured a commentary by Katie Lyon, a mother who terminated her pregnancy due to a poor pregnancy diagnosis. She chose to terminate her pregnancy in the second trimester due to her unborn daughter's diagnosis of Spina bifida and other issues which she does not expand upon. The goal of Ms. Lyon's commentary was to explain how fetal tissue donation works as a way of showing her support for Planned Parenthood. However, her characterization is an inappropriate defense of Planned Parenthood's tissue procurement and "donation" process.

I am going to begin this by stating clearly -- this is a response to Ms. Lyon's support of fetal tissue donation through Planned Parenthood, not her decision to terminate her pregnancy. I am 100% pro-life with no exceptions, and I do not support fetal tissue donation at any gestation. I do understand what it is like to be given a poor pregnancy diagnosis for your unborn child, and I myself am regrettably post-abortive. This confluence of life experience makes my writing this extremely touchy. My empathy towards a grieving mother is too great to create a dynamic where her decision is something to cheaply debate about on social media. My own culpability in ending the life of my unborn child leaves me very little latitude to pass personal judgment against the mother. However, in the interest of being true to my own ethical and moral beliefs I need to clarify that no matter what the gestation of the baby involved, I believe donating "fetal tissue" is terribly wrong.

As the mother of a child who was diagnosed in the womb with a lethal birth defect and who runs a website for families whose children are diagnosed with my daughter's disorder, I do have a unique insight into the donation of fetal tissue for research purpose. I myself have created agreements with researchers to accept donations from our babies, and many of our families have chosen to make both tissue and whole body donations for science.

The first item I would like to address is the most obvious:  it is not necessary to end the life of your child in order to donate tissue for medical research-- and if you continue your pregnancy, in some cases, your baby may be able to donate tissue to other babies who are on recipient waiting lists. Heart valves, corneas and cartilage can all be used to enhance or save the life of a baby waiting for transplant. There are even organizations which help families investigate the complexities of neonatal tissue donation. Purposeful Gift is one of the most prominent organizations helping parents navigate this territory.

Secondly, the type of tissue donation of which she is speaking is nothing like what we have seen from the Planned Parenthood videos. As she herself clearly states, she donated to a specific organization specializing in Spina bifida research. The donation was handled by a genetic counselor in her physician’s office. Chances are (and I could be wrong about this because I'm not certain how she specifically handled her "termination,") she had her procedure in an outpatient setting, most likely in a hospital or surgical center -- not an abortion clinic. I also highly doubt Ms. Lyon's physician haggled with the researchers over storage and transport costs, and most likely did not "part out" her unborn baby. Ms. Lyon's donation was similar to the type of {whole body} donation to science which many people choose during their end-of-life planning. Ms. Lyon's contribution was no doubt appreciated by those who received her daughter's remains. I imagine they were treated with dignity and respect, and even reverence, recognized for what they were -- the remains of a human being with a serious congenital birth defect; though the whole body donation of a precious baby carried to term and delivered to {a short} life would be most appreciated, both by scientist researching specific disorders, and families whose children are waiting for life altering and life saving transplants.

This is very different than the "tissue donation" for stem cell research we see in the Planned Parenthood videos. The callousness with which the workers treat the remains of beings even they identify as humans is appalling. There is no appreciation, no understanding, and definitely no reverence. These babies are parted out for indifferent researchers. There is no correlation between the two circumstances.
{Image: Priests for Life}


I end this repeating my statement above -- at this time, I am not intending to open a debate on whether Ms. Lyon's choice to terminate her pregnancy was the correct one or not. This is not because I have no opinion on terminations done for medical reasons -- I have quite strong opinions on this subject. It's because it would cheapen the life of her precious baby to turn her into nothing more than an internet debate.  My own commentary was only necessary because her justification of Planned Parenthood's practices was inappropriate, and could be used to further an agenda which purports to be compassionate, but is instead avaricious.

Two additional notes:

{For clarification purposes -- when most people think "stem cells" they are thinking of pluripotent embryonic stem cells, which come from discarded IVF blastocysts, and are not the same as the fetal stem cells which are being harvested by Planned Parenthood. Fetal stem cells are used in a similar fashion to adult stem cells, and the utilization of them is both unnecessary and -- some believe -- scientifically inappropriate.}

{All terms used to identify developmental stages of an unborn child's life in the womb are the common scientific terms, and in no way used to imply that an unborn child is anything less than human at any stage of gestation.}



This post has been published with minor edits at www.savethe1.com .

Over the past few weeks I have been horrified at the release of videos which show Planned Parenthood clinicians and executives partaking in what seems to be the sale of "fetal tissue". Whether you believe what they are doing is appropriate or not {I personally believe it's heinous}, their manner in carrying out their activities is disturbing,  to say the least.

On a personal level these videos, which I watched in long form and in edited versions, have opened a wound which I believed was healed long ago.

As I stated in my previous post, I ended a pregnancy when I was 19. For many years I stayed quiet on this subject. My abortion did have a bearing on my decision to continue my pregnancy with Beatrix, but rarely did I focus on it as a catalyst.

At this point I realize that the part my unborn child played in my decision to carry Beatrix until the bitter {sweet} end is one of the most important parts of the story.

I read a quote once by Ernest Hemmingway:

 "Write hard and clear about what hurts"

While I obviously could never come close to the power of Hemingway's writing, I do want to write clearly about what hurts. Because it's in those hurt places that the best portions of my life also reside.

I guess this is just a note to let the {few} people who read these little scribbles know how things will be going, as far as grief journaling, from here on out.

I've been pretty open regarding my pro-life persuasion and I've been contributing writing to a number of pro-life efforts for a short time now.

I always feel hesitant to share those writings here, because in the baby loss community speaking negatively about terminating a pregnancy -- especially if it has been for medical reasons -- is forbidden.

But my regret over my abortion is a part of my loss experience.

Just like other women feel the need to be open about their personal experiences terminating for medical reasons, I feel the need to be more open about my abortion and how it negatively impacted my life.

I have been working very hard on a project for siblings of babies lost to birth defects, and I was afraid to say anything incendiary about my own thoughts, because I didn't want my project to be disregarded by those who may have a different view on abortion than I do. After seeing what I've seen over the last few weeks -- I don't care. I don't want to be quiet about this because it's horrific. Whatever gain I receive for being silent, I lose in integrity.

From today on, I will be more liberally sharing all of my loss journey, not just the parts I think are safe for everyone's eyes and ears.

My story of loss began well before my Beatrix died. My story of loss began when I was a 19 year old girl. I grieved then, and I grieve now, over the child who should be here.



So tonight, I will clearly state:

I should be the mother of a 21 year old child. My eldest son lost a sibling, my family lost a grandchild... cousin...niece or nephew. There is someone missing from our house at Christmas time. And it's not o.k.

Tonight as I tap out this lonely message, sending these words out across the millions of miles of wires and airborne signals I just want to say one thing.

It wasn't just a choice. "It" was my child.

Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone.

Created in His most beautiful image.

Discarded by me.

My abortion hurt me, and it killed my child.

The least I can do for that child is openly mourn him/her as I do my sweet Bea.

I'll end this with another Hemingway quote.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterwords, some are strong in the broken places."

Part of me has been broken for a very long time. I can no longer claim ignorance of the reason for this brokenness.  My grief story began 21 years ago. Tonight is the first step towards finding strength in that broken place.

**DISCLAIMER

This is a different type of loss post. It is a post about the Planned Parenthood videos currently being released. I also write about my own post-abortive experience. 

Please guard your heart when deciding whether to read this or not.


This past week has no doubt been an emotional week for many American women. Statistically speaking, {supposedly} one in three of us have ended an "unwanted" pregnancy via abortion.

This means that last Tuesday many of us woke up not to images of a beleaguered, controversial corporation caught in a scandal, but to a reminder of what our very personal, past choices really encompassed.  

It wasn’t made any better when social media was, again, plastered with a callous PP worker bargaining for human organs today.

I terminated my second pregnancy, in the second trimester, in 1994. I was moderately pro-choice. I never thought I would have an abortion, but I didn't believe I should be making the choice for anyone else. When I got pregnant a second time at 19 -- already a single mother-- I did what I believed was right for my family. I believed that it was the only decision I could make. There were medical complications with the pregnancy which made it easier to choose abortion. 

At least I believed it would be easier at the time. 

There were things I saw and heard while in the clinic which still wake me up in a cold sweat. What happened after my surgery made my experience more traumatic than most {if there is such a thing as more traumatic than ending the life of your unborn child}. I found it necessary to return to my physician for further care, because the "procedure" was incomplete and "fetal tissue" had been left behind. I was fortunate to have realized this early because retained "tissue" can cause serious infection which in turn can leave you infertile or even cause death.  

Unfortunately, I was only made aware of the retained "tissue" because it was visible on a sanitary napkin following my abortion -- along with surgical gauze which had been left behind in my cervix.

The current events have been a reminder of an experience which was particularly painful. I've watched a number of anti-Planned Parenthood videos throughout the years but none brought such a feeling of revulsion as the ones which are currently circulating. As Dr. Nucatola described manipulating the unborn child for maximum ease in obtaining intact organs I was reminded of the lack of concern for my health, as evidenced by the retained tissue and gauze which I found in the days following my abortion. I was reminded of my own unborn child's humanity, as she spoke so casually of crushing legs and other fully-formed body parts. I was shown the unfeeling nature of an organization which promotes destruction and financial gain under the guise of empowering women during Dr. Gatta’s conversation about the costs of tissue procurement, in which she made the statement, “I want a Lamborghini”.

This past week has brought out a variety of emotion, but primarily I feel sadness and anger.

Sadness because until this week I was never fully comfortable openly mourning the loss of that one, sweet baby.

Who was I to mourn the loss of a child I chose to throw away? It's not about a baby, after all. It's about choice.



As a 19 year old girl I was mistaken in believing their narrative -- the narrative in which my child's life was an impediment to my own growth, nothing more than a choice. I was mistaken to believe their view, that my unborn baby would be a burden.

This mistake turned out to be deadly for my child, as it has been for millions of children conceived in the U.S. for the last 40 years. 

And angry--

For too many years, women have believed the lie which Planned Parenthood has told us. They have believed the lie which states that our reproductive health depends solely on them, as if a woman can't find and fund alternatives to PP’s monstrous and murderous infrastructure. 

Women have believed the lie which states PP is our only ally  in the fight for women's rights --and that those rights are reliant on the destruction of our unborn children. 

Women have believed PP when they told us that they wanted us to have better lives. 

Women have believed PP when they told us our unborn children were not human. 

This week was difficult. I am a mother. 

I will now always wonder- was my child's body manipulated for organ harvesting? 

Was my child's termination prolonged so that an intact liver, an intact pair of lungs, or an intact heart was made available for research purposes? 

Was there a possibility that my child felt extended and unnecessary pain during the procedure because someone was attempting to procure intact tissue?

As stated in the long version of the video-- transcripts available here-- not all babies' lives are ended before the "extraction" procedure begins.

The potential pain which my unborn child suffered is something which I have struggled with for over 20 years. I know this is a primary concern for many {most} post-abortive women. There are many women whose hearts are heavy with new-found grief tonight. 

I am sending this message out today not as a pro-life activist, but as a former Planned Parenthood patient. 

Planned Parenthood owes me more than a canned response about legality and tone.

My abortion hurt me. 

My abortion ended the life of my unborn child.

For once, Planned Parenthood needs to address the thousands of women who have been hurt by their abortions. Planned Parenthood needs to address the women who felt taken advantage of today. They need to address the women who may have consented to tissue donation, not realizing that PP wasn’t talking about “a clump of cells” but intact lungs, muscle, and brains, being removed from babies which may have been delivered using less than compassionate methods.

Planned Parenthood owes every woman who has had a procedure in their clinics more than a canned response. 

Preferably before the next set of videos shows up. 

I didn’t consent to tissue donation, because I wanted to help fund their executive’s luxury auto.  

I consented because I was trying to make some sense out of what I instinctively understood was a senseless decision on my part.

Over the past two decades, I’ve grappled with, and admitted to the dishonesty and selfishness inherent in my choice- it’s time that Planned Parenthood does the same.