Poor Showing

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I have  lost another baby.

I thought I should just come out with it, instead of beating around the bush.

Not the same type of loss as my sweet baby Bea, but still another opportunity lost.... no first step, no "mama". Nothing.

I went to the doctors office for a routine ultrasound, happy at the prospect of another look (I'd had two already) at this sweet little being growing in my belly, and the baby's heart was no longer beating.

I am the poster girl for "there is no safe time during a pregnancy."

We waited a nice, long time to tell people- there are many people who still don't even know that I was expecting again.

I wonder if I will always be chasing these babies.... I wonder if I will ever be able to have another baby. I know that I am greedy, with my houseful of noise. I know that I should be grateful for what I have.

It's just been so very long since I have held a baby.

So long since a sweaty, curly head has rested in the crook of my arm.

I can't help it.

I should have known that it was going to happen. I bought a hat. And some booties. I should have waited.

I carried this baby around for over a week after that tiny heart stopped beating. I received the hat and booties in the mail, during that time.

On a whim, I gave the hat to my son, to put on the Bea Bear... it was a perfect fit. Of course it was.... because the hat was never meant to be worn by a "real" baby.

Sometimes, when I think that I am really getting too old to worry about babies any longer, I think that this is such a poor showing- such a poor way to go out. My last experiences of childbearing, are also my most intimate experiences of death.

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