My "before" photo is me during my last successful pregnancy, before losing my Bea.

This is me before:

Before I knew that women who did everything right could still have a baby with birth defects.

Before I knew that women in developed America had babies with birth defects. 

Before I knew that birth defects didn't always mean a future of surgeries and hospital stays. 

Before I knew that you don't have to be a drug addict or an alcoholic to have a baby with birth defects. 

Before I knew that there was such an horrific thing as perinatal hospice. 

Before I knew that one in four pregnancies will end in loss. 

Before I knew that sometimes euthanasia can be practiced passively.

Before I knew that sometimes parents leave the hospital with empty arms.

Before I knew how to retain a calm exterior when I am quaking inside. 

Before I knew that the people most interested in your sad stories are usually the ones who you should stay away from.

Before I lost my very, very best friend (32 years, down the drain). 

Before I had ever seen a person die. 

Before I understood genetics and the probabilities involved in having good genes, and the miraculous thing that is life- so much could go wrong. Each one if us is a miracle.

Before I was who I am now.